


Agatha Heterodyne and the Incredible Invention

by Sturzkampf



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-09-30 17:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17228294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sturzkampf/pseuds/Sturzkampf
Summary: When a Scientist working at an obscure University makes a discovery that has eluded Sparks for generations, everybody, even Agatha Heterodyne, wants to know the secret.An exciting story of duplicity, murder and intellectual property rights.





	1. The University of Teerstadt

**Author's Note:**

> _All the situations, institutions and characters depicted in this story are completely fictitious and bear absolutely no relation to real people or events. At all. Honest._

Herr Doktor Tzeek was impressed by his first sight of The Heterodyne. Her immaculate white _ensemble_ declared style rather than mere fashion; her perfectly coiffured hair stated elegance without pretension; her modest jewellery proclaimed wealth without ostentation. She was clearly a person in control; in control of events, in control of her emotions and in control of those around her, projecting the quiet confidence of one accustomed to unquestioned authority.

As perhaps the most powerful Spark in Europa, it was only proper that she was accompanied by a pair of minions, a man and a woman, clearly spruced up to unaccustomed smartness especially for the occasion and selected to represent the two classical minion archetypes. The man had that air of permanent fearful surprise and looked at everything as though it was either about to attack him or explode. In contrast, the woman had that enthusiastic gleam of madness in her eyes and the wide manic grin of the dedicated fanatic. She looked at everything as though wondering how she could either make it into an engine of mass destruction or blow it up.

As the Vice-Chancellor of Teerstadt University, Dr Tzeek was well aware of the kudos for the university and himself of a personal visit by the Heterodyne. He got up from his desk and advanced with his most welcoming smile, hand outstretched.

“Welcome to the University of Teerstadt, Lady Heterodyne. Please, call me Haydn.”

To his surprise, Lady Heterodyne looked somewhat taken aback and even a little embarrassed. The Vice-chancellor allowed himself a moment of justifiable pride. If even the Master of Mechanicsburg was uncomfortable at the informality of calling him by his first name at their opening meeting, then that must mean that he was…”

“Guess again, genius,” hissed a voice in his ear. He gave a small squeak of surprise. He could have sworn that the small woman with the unruly red hair and the knife had not been standing right next to him a second before.

“Perhaps if I could make the introductions,” said the woman in the white dress, coming to his rescue. “May I introduce Agatha, Lady Heterodyne.” She indicated the shorter, somewhat more solid young lady with the utilitarian workwear, tool belt, large glasses and angry scowl standing on her left, who Dr Tzeek had mistaken for a mere minion. “And this is Herr Moloch von Zinzer,” she indicated the apprehensive bearded man on her right, “the Chief Mi-… er… mechanic of Castle Heterodyne and Right Hand Man to the Heterodyne.” Moloch gave him an informal wave. “The young lady threatening you with a dagger is Ms Violetta Mondarev, Lady Heterodyne’s personal assass… er… assistant. And I am the Secretary to the Heterodyne, here to look after all the boring paperwork.”

Herr Dr Tzeek spluttered his apologies. This was not a good start to the most important meeting of his career.

\-------------* 

She was Agatha’s secretary; or more accurately, The Secretary to the Heterodyne. Her name is recorded in no book, for she herself had forgotten it. Indeed, she was not sure that she had ever possessed a name. For as long as she could remember, she had served the Heterodynes, organising everything from the logistics of major invasions to making sure they remembered to wash regularly. She had no memory of any childhood or any family whatsoever. It was not something that worried her. From her observations, family was a greatly over-rated experience.

She always wore long, white ankle length dresses of impeccable design and tailoring. Several of the old Heterodynes had insisted she wear somewhat more revealing ensembles and she had not enjoyed that at all. She didn’t like showing off her legs, partly out of modesty, but principally because they weren’t entirely human. Despite her title, she spent most of her time working with the Seneschal running the great City of Mechanicsburg, rather than working with Agatha. Only for important meetings like this, where there were legal and financial issues involved, was she brought along to assist The Heterodyne directly. It wasn’t that Sparks didn’t understand the importance of due diligence, paperwork or the legal issues – it was simply that it was safer if they left it all to someone who liked that sort of thing and wouldn’t be distracted from checking the terms and conditions for a new contract by a sudden inspiration to create an unstoppable army of invasive dandelions to crush her enemies and show them! Show Them ALL!!

She knew how important this delicate negotiation was to Agatha and that she had to smooth things over as quickly as possible. With this Heterodyne at least she stood a chance. Had this unfortunate misunderstanding occurred with some (well most) of her previous Masters, a significant percentage of the University campus would already be in flames. Some small talk seemed to her the best way to calm everyone’s nerves.

“My apologies if we are a little late” she began. “It’s been a long journey from Mechanicsburg, and when we arrived, we had difficulty finding anywhere to dock.”

 “I’m afraid that the parking here at The University of Teerstadt is rather restricted,” replied the Vice Chancellor.

“Don’t worry, it’s the same at every university I’ve ever been to. Perhaps if we could sit down we could make a start on the agenda?”

“Ah, of course. Please do take a seat. Tea?”

“If you please.”

The Vice Chancellor fiddled with the speaking tube on his desk, instructing his personal assistant outside to bring in the refreshments, while everyone made themselves comfortable and sorted out their notes for the meeting. The Secretary was pleased to see that Lady Heterodyne’s scowl had already disappeared. Of course, she was far too excited at the prospect of acquiring the Incredible Invention to worry about annoying minor misunderstandings.

\------------*

Agatha settled herself into her chair, with the anticipation of an excited little girl at her birthday party. While the tea was being prepared she took the opportunity to look around Dr Tzeek’s office. On the wall behind his desk was a collection of what was either the latest _avant garde_ conceptual art or the efforts of his 5-year old child; it was always so difficult to tell. She made some suitable vague complimentary remarks that covered either eventuality. Nevertheless, the annoyance at not being recognised still rankled. Although she was trying to maintain the humbleness of her beginnings, she was getting used to being The Heterodyne and expected to be met (and treated with respect) by whoever was in charge, not the second in command.

“If you are the vice-chancellor, who is the Chancellor?” she asked. “I’d prefer to deal with the Chancellor in person. This is an important meeting after all.”

“In these new Universities, the Chancellor is a purely ceremonial position,” explained Dr Tzeek. “He only visits a couple of times a year for the graduation ceremonies. His main function is to confer the degrees on the students. I am responsible for running Teerstadt University and am effectively in charge.”

“I see. Who is the Chancellor?”

“Oh, it’s Lord Parrot. He used to be ruler of Gasicorn before it was – ah – overrun.” The frown that appeared on Lady Heterodyne’s face suddenly reminded him of the details of that unfortunate incident (see [Agatha Heterodyne and the Betrayal of Gasicorn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172760)) and he realised he was digging himself into a very deep hole again.

“As a matter of fact, we are most disappointed with him,” he added hurriedly. “You see, all he has to do is turn up and doff his hat to each new graduate to formally grant them a degree from the University. But very often he says he is too busy to leave Paris and can’t attend. What he is so busy with I simply cannot imagine. Then I have to award the degrees, which isn’t the same at all. I’m dissatisfied with him. Most dissatisfied.”

He was relieved to see that Lady Heterodyne’s scowl was replaced by a satisfied grin.

“Normally of course we would have more people to meet with such an important visitor as yourself, but I’m afraid ten of the senior staff are not available. They are attending a week-long retreat at the five-star Grande Hotel in Saint Moritz.”

“Oh, that’s nice for them. Are they discussing an important topic?”

“Certainly. They’re discussing why the University doesn’t have enough money to fund basic research.”

“I wonder how long it will take them to work it out?” said Moloch. He’d taken a seat by the window, away from the main meeting. He didn’t intend saying anything more than he absolutely had to. His sarcasm sailed several metres over the Vice-Chancellor’s head.

“Oh, from what I hear the consensus will be that what we need is to appoint another tier of senior management at high salaries to work on a new strategy and make sure that is properly implemented. It’s all being directed by our new itinerant Deputy Pro Vice Chancellor, Dr Lasand. He is revolutionising the entire structure and operation of the University at all levels.”

“Fine,” said Agatha, “but I hope that Herr Doktor Omdenimic isn’t away at this retreat. He is the person we’ve come all this way to meet after all.”

“Oh no need to worry on that account. He’s only an academic. Things tend to go so much smoother if they don’t have say in how a University is run, don’t you think? He’s still right here on campus.”

“Good. As you know, I’m here to find out about his new Incredible Invention – transparent metal. Of course, I would have been able to work it out in the end myself, but this is so exciting I just had to come and see it as soon as possible.”

 “Ah – well of course, there is the question of – um – intellectual property rights to discuss.” 

“Don’t worry, that’s already been sorted out!”

“You sure?” asked Violetta. “I imagine every Spark in Europa will be after it.”

“Gilgamesh Wulfenbach at least will have found out and be after the secret too,” said Moloch from his seat by the window.

“What makes you so sure?” asked Agatha.

“For a start, he’s got spies everywhere. He always knows everything that’s going on, just like his Dad did. There’s also the fact that he’s just parked his Castle over the University.” Agatha joined Moloch at the window so could see the kilometre-long airship and its swarm of support vessels hovering over the campus, blotting out the sun.

“Ah yes, that is a bit of a give-away, isn’t it?”

The door of the room burst open and two soldiers walked in, their rifles, clearly Spark-created state-of-the-art weapons, at the ready. The two girls were dressed in red jackets, with smart white gaiters and boots, black breeches, shiny shakos and elaborate ringlet wigs, their faces whitened with make-up and their cheeks adorned with two garish red circles; the uniform of the Devil Dolls, one of the most feared of the Wulfenbach Empire’s crack units. Behind them came Baron Gilgamesh Wulfenbach himself.

“Ah, Herr Baron,” began the Vice-Chancellor, “What an unexpected surprise! You are just in time! The meeting is about to…”

He was interrupted by the sound of someone tapping on the window behind him. He turned and couldn’t supress a cry of fear at the enormous face of the Abomination of Science peering through the second-floor window of his office. The Abomination of Science looked somewhat embarrassed and blinked at Dr Tzeek through her _pince nez_. Gil rolled his eyes and opened the window.

“Good morning Ms Pantagruel.”

“Ah, my apologies Herr Baron,” replied the Baron’s chief administrator. “I did not mean to scare anyone. It’s just that the building is rather small for me, and you did want me here for the meeting.”

“Yes, yes. No harm done. Herr Doktor Tzeek, meet Ms Pantagruel, my ADC. Ms Pantagruel; Herr Doktor Tzeek, Vice-chancellor of Teerstadt University.”

“Ah welcome to the University of Teerstadt. To what do I owe this honour Herr Baron?”

“Don’t be coy. I’m here for the secret of transparent metal!”

“That’s two of us!” exclaimed Agatha.

“Actually, three,” said a voice from the doorway. Tarvek Sturmvoraus strolled nonchalantly into the room, being sure to make eye contact with Agatha and ignore Gil to the maximum amount possible. “My dull colourless life is illuminated by your presence, Lady Heterodyne.” He bent down with an elaborate courtier’s bow and kissed her hand. “Oh, and Wulfenbach too. Hi.”

Behind him came two figures. The one that everyone noticed was a tall lady, well-proportioned in the most elegant outfit – of Tarvek’s own design, naturally. But it wasn’t this that made everyone stare. The lady was a clank, with a metal face that should have been expressionless but somehow wasn’t. Usually, a humanoid clank is instantly recognisable from the mechanical way that it walks, but this clank moved with grace and poise that no mere human could ever hope to emulate. It was, of course one of the famous Muses created by the greatest of Sparks, Van Rijn. The large book she was holding identified her as Artimo, the muse of learning. The second figure was almost invisible by comparison, – and that suited Veilchen, Tarvek’s oldest and most loyal smoke knight, just fine. The fact that he is still alive tells you everything you need to know about his levels of skill. 

“I take it that you too are here for the secret of the Incredible Invention?” asked Gil.

“And I must have it!” exclaimed Tarvek. “It is vitally important for my development of clanks superior even to the Muses!”

“No! I must have the Secret to enhance my weapons systems, so I can maintain the _Pax Transylvania_!” replied Gil.

“No!” chimed in Agatha. “ _I’m_ the one who _must_ have the secret of the Incredible Invention. I need it to develop the next generation of _Sturzzeugs_ and dirigibles!”

Spark harmonics were starting to edge into the voices of all three. Their entourages exchanged worried looks, aware that this could escalate very quickly indeed.

Agatha decided to play her trump card. She held out her hand without looking and her Secretary handed her a sheaf of papers from her scrip.

“I think you’ll find that I have the rights to the Incredible Invention. You see, I’ve already signed an agreement to license it!” She flourished the document for everyone to see.

Gil and Tarvek both frowned. Agatha smirked. Then Ms Pantagruel fished in her pocket and carefully handed the Baron a document through the open window, held between her thumb and forefinger. Artimo removed a file from her ledger and handed it to the Storm King.

“We’ve signed an agreement too!” Gil and Tarvek said together. The three Sparks glared at each other. Then they all glared at each other’s agreements. Then they all glared at the Vice Chancellor, who suddenly wished that he had not taken Herr Dr Lasand’s advice to discontinue the role of Intellectual Property Manager at the University.

“Obviously my agreement must take precedence, because it was signed first!” declared Gil. “No mine must be the binding one, because it was signed last!” retorted Tarvek. Agatha scowled, trying to think of a reason why she should own the Incredible Invention.

“In fact,” said her Secretary, “it would seem that none of these agreements are valid.”

“But our contract has been signed by the Storm King himself and by Doktor Omdenimic!” said Artimo in her beautiful, too human voice.

“Yes, but I have read the University’s Intellectual Property Policy. As this work was performed as part of the academic’s employment, then the Intellectual Property Rights belong to the University, not to him. All these contracts have been signed by Doktor Omdenimic himself, only, without any reference to senior management. He has no authority to sign agreements regarding something that does not belong to him, so therefore all our contracts are worthless.”

There was a moment of silence in the room while everyone took this in. Dr Tzeek breathed a sigh of relief. “Of course! Now I suggest that we all walk over to Dr Omdenimic’s laboratory in the Department of Obsolete Languages and Ambiguous Engineering, talk to him about these contracts he has signed, and then perhaps you can come to some agreement amongst yourselves as to who will get his Incredible Invention.” He gestured towards the door, hoping that the negotiations could be conducted at least fifty miles away from his University to minimise the inevitable collateral damage. 

\---------------------*

Dr Tzeek, the three Sparks and their entourages walked across the central square of Teerstadt University, beneath the watchful eye of Klaus, the old Baron Wulfenbach, glaring down at them from his plinth. It was only a statue, so Gil told himself it wasn’t really watching him with a critical and disapproving eye. Then again, as the statue had been commissioned by Klaus himself, the founder of the University, he could never be entirely sure. For one thing, it was the only outdoor statue that he had ever seen that wasn’t covered in pigeon droppings and that alone told him that it was far more than a mere block of marble.

“What other interesting research is going on at the University?” asked Tarvek casually. Agatha and Gil gave him a suspicious look. Tarvek never did anything casually. If Dr Tzeek was aware of any subterfuge, he didn’t show it.

“Oh, we have some fascinating projects – very much pure research as befits a top-rated University such as Teerstadt. For instance, a team in our Department of Theoretical Music and Recreational Ballistics are conducting a fascinating investigation to discover the tune in the Warsaw Concerto.”

“Any success?”

“No, not yet, but they’re convinced there must be one in there somewhere.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“And of course, there is the ground-breaking work that Dr Kerstabbity of the Department of Interpretative Dance and Irrational Physics is doing on Shakespeare.”

“Tell me more,” asked Agatha. “Has he come up with original insights into some of the more obscure elements of the text? Perhaps he has new ideas on how the plays should be performed? I don’t remember seeing his name on the recent list of University publications.”

“Well, no, he doesn’t actually produce all that much academic output. But his work’s got Shakespeare in it, so it’s got to be excellent! We’re all very excited about the version of Hamlet in mime that he’s developing.”

“You have some… er… interesting combinations of subjects in your Departments,” said Gil thoughtfully.

“All part of our unique, esoteric, intellectually challenging degrees we offer here at Teerstadt, part of Dr Lasand’s brilliant reorganisation.”

“And this is all working is it?”

“There have been a few teething problems, especially since we saved money by removing most of the lower grades of central services – there’s always too much spent on administration, don’t you think? But our top notch senior executives have produced a clear road map for the future long-term strategy of the University that I’m sure will solve all our problems.”

“What improvements have you made?” asked Gil.

“For instance, in order to improve student fitness we’ve moved the library three and a half miles outside of the main campus, to the top of a mountain, where it can only be reached by a steep muddy track.”

“And this has helped has it?”

“Oh yes, the footfall has decreased so much we’ve been able to reduce costs by halving the number of library staff. Another of Dr Lasand’s new initiatives is to create the new Impact Chambers for the students at the best locations on the centre of campus.”

“Impact Chambers?” asked Agatha, showing sudden interest. “Oh, for testing small arms and high-explosives you mean? What a good idea!”

“Er… not as such. Nothing so dramatic. This is more like… a place where students can meet and exchange ideas and ‘hang out’ as I believe the modern parlance is. We have a very good one in the building over there. It used to be a book shop, until we closed it, got rid of all the books and made a large open space with lots of comfortable furniture. And a coffee shop of course.”

“Working is it?”

“I’m sure it will be a great success once the students get the idea. And once the lift is fixed of course. It’s out of order, and the Impact Chamber is right at the top, on the fifth floor.”

“Can’t you get the lift repaired?”

“One of those things, you know how it is. With our new cost management scheme, all expenditure requires a detailed justification document that has to be signed off by five different senior managers before Estates can begin repair work. At the moment, three of the staff are away at the conference on the Riviera, the fourth is on long term sick leave with chronic aotearoa and the fifth is refusing to sign off anything because it is not part of her job description. But I’m sure everything will soon be sorted out.”

“I’m glad to see everything is so student-orientated. It was never like that in my day.”

“You see, Herr Dr Lasand has realised that any meeting that does not enhance the student experience is a complete waste of time.” Herr Dr Tzeek became aware that the three most powerful Sparks in Europa were looking at him with a certain amount of cold hostility. He wondered what he had said wrong.

“So,” said Baron Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, Evil Overlord of the Iron-fisted Wulfenbach Empire, “are you telling us that _this_ meeting is a complete waste of time?” Fortunately for the Vice-Chancellor, they arrived at their destination and he was able to change the subject.

The building housing the Department of Obsolete Languages and Ambiguous Engineering was an enormous gothic castle, festooned with turrets, battlements, towers, and gargoyles, all rendered in sinister black stone.

The Sign above the door read:

**Department of Obsolete Languages and Ambiguous Engineering**

And beneath it:

**Adran Ieithoedd Darfodedig a Pheirianneg Amwys**

Agatha blushed at the unfortunate mis-translation, but no-one else seemed to notice.

Of course, it was, like the rest of the University, less than ten years’ old, but the architect had been a traditionalist. It’s simply not possible to perform proper Mad Science in a fancy new Art Deco office block with efficient heating, modern plumbing and large airy rooms lit by draft-proof double-glazed windows. The huge main portal gave a sinister creak as Dr Tzeek pushed it open. Agatha, a connoisseur of acoustic hinges, recognised the work of a specialist firm from Slobozia.

Dr Tzeek led them through the dark, torch-lit corridors. From somewhere in the building there came the crackle of a lightning generator. The stench of unidentifiable eldritch chemicals hung in the air. Insane maniacal laughter rang out from behind an iron-bound door as they passed. Small creatures that should have been rats but probably weren’t chittered and scuttled in the deep shadows. From a tower high above them, they heard a young woman screaming. Agatha felt a sudden wave of nostalgia for her own student days; it was just like Transylvania Poly.

Finally, they descended a steep staircase that led to the bowels of the building and came to a truly impressive set of double doors. Dr Tzeek lifted the enormous iron knocker and a series of deep clangs echoed through the corridors. There was no answer. The Vice Chancellor was about to knock again when Violetta reached forward and gently pushed the door. It swung slowly open – it wasn’t locked. They walked through into the vast lab… and stopped dead. The room was dark, deserted and silent. The massive eldritch machines half-hidden in the shadows, the complicated alchemical glassware, the benches of machine tools, all stood idle and abandoned. Directly in front of the entrance, a large notice had been fixed to the largest machine with duct tape.

 

I HAVE OMDENIMIC!

THE INCREDIBLE INVENTION IS MINE!!

MINE I SAY!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

“Mein Gott!” exclaimed the Vice-Chancellor. “Dr Omdenimic has been kidnapped!”

“Never mind that!” exclaimed Tarvek. “Where is the Incredible Invention?”

“Oh don’t worry,” Dr Tzeek assured him, “it’s stored in the fireproof unopenable safe over…”. They all looked at the open safe. The distressingly empty open safe.

“No-one else here,” reported Veilchen. “The laboratory is secure.” Violetta nodded confirmation to Agatha.

 “What about minions?” asked Gil. “They may have the secret. Or have they been taken too?”

 “Omdenimic had only one minion, Mr Fecinec,” said Dr Tzeek.

“Only one?” asked Tarvek, “I would have thought given the importance of his work he would have been assigned a large team.”

“Ah, you see he did have more minions, but then there was that unfortunate freak accident last month. Most of his minions were unphased.”

“If they weren’t perturbed by the accident, shouldn’t they be back at work?” Gil didn’t have sympathy for snowflakes.

“Ah… not unfazed. _Unphased_. As in ‘shifted into a slightly parallel dimension’. Health and Safety are still trying to find a way to get them back. Only Fecinec is left, but the note doesn’t mention him.”

“You think he might be behind all this?”

“I don’t like to cast aspersions, but between you and me, he is a bit of a rat.”

“And we’re quite certain the Incredible Invention is not longer in the lab?” asked Agatha. There was a brief flurry of activity as they searched, although it has to be said that the search would have been much more efficient if the three Sparks had not spent most of their time watching each other, in case one of them found the Incredible Invention and tried to hide it from the others. There was a brief moment of excitement when Violetta discovered an interesting sheet of clear material, until they all realised it was part of the wrapping from some takeaway sandwiches.

Finally, they all convinced themselves – and each other – of the terrible truth. Dr Omdenimic had been kidnapped and his Incredible Invention had been stolen. The three Sparks glared at each other suspiciously.

“So, er… I think I’ll get back to my airship to review the situation,” said Agatha, edging  towards the door.

“Oh… um… and I think I’ll take a stroll through the campus grounds,” said Tarvek innocently. “It’s a lovely day for a walk. He took a couple of nonchalant steps backwards.

“And… I really need to get back to the Castle,” explained Gil. “An Empire doesn’t run itself you know.”

“Yes.”

“Right.”

“Of course.”

They lingered for a moment, attempting to be as casual as possible. Then, as one they all sprinted for the exit, each determined to be the first to find the Incredible Invention.

 


	2. Tarvek Sturmvoraus Makes His Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Technology Transfer and Commercialisation of Research Outputs_

Despite his haste to leave the Laboratory, Tarvek showed no signs of urgency in searching for the missing scientist and his Incredible Invention _._ Instead, he took a casual stroll around the campus, making occasional trivial comments to Artimo, for all the world a Very Important Person honouring this backwater of learning with his somewhat patronising attention. Tiring of discussing the finer points of architecture with his Muse, he sat down at one of the more inconvenient coffee shops scattered around the campus and ordered a ridiculously expensive, incredibly tiny espresso, which he proceeded to drink, very, very slowly. Artimo, the faithful servant, stood behind his chair until she might be needed. Her Master produced a small book of 17th century metaphysical poetry from his pocket and settled down to read. From behind the cover of a bike shed, Agatha and her team watched him with increasing frustration.

“He’s up to something,” growled Agatha.

“How can you tell?” asked Moloch, who would have liked to go and get a coffee, or preferably a beer, himself.

“You can always tell,” Violetta explained. “He’s breathing.” 

“I’m worried that we may be after the wrong thing,” said Agatha. “Tarvek asked the Vice Chancellor what other research was going on at the University. I think he might have an inside line on something we’ve missed.”

“Maybe he was just interested.”

“No, Tarvek never does anything because he’s ‘just interested’. He’s astute.”

“Yeah, Violetta always says he’s a big weasel,” agreed Moloch.

“What? No, _astute_. Not a st…sigh. Never mind von Zinzer. He was asking about what other research they are conducting at the University. Perhaps he’s found out about something even better than transparent metal that they’ve discovered here and I’m barking up the wrong tree.”

“Last night you said that transparent metal was the most important discovery in the last one hundred years. You wouldn’t shut up about it.” Violetta reminded her.

“Yes, but what if I’m missing something even better?”

“Tarvek came here for transparent metal too. Did whassisname… Tzeek, mention anything else that might be even better than that?”

“Well, no.”

“So, it’s probably a bit of misdirection by Tarvek, to get you chasing after shadows rather than concentrating on the prize.”

“But...”

“Either way, it doesn’t matter. What _you_ want is the transparent metal. If Tarvek is after something else, let him have it.”

 _“_ Oh, I suppose so. Let’s get back to the _Holzauge_ and discuss where we’re going to start looking for the Incredible Invention.” Taking care that no-one saw them, they made their way back to the airship docking towers.

Once he was sure that Lady Heterodyne and her minions were gone, Veilchen sneaked around the corner to where Tarvek was waiting. There wasn’t any need for subterfuge, but it was force of habit. Tarvek carefully marked the page, put down his book and leant back in his chair.

“Did you find out the information?”

“Yes, eventually.”

“Problem?”

“I thought that the Directorate of Engagement and Partnerships would be a good place to find out about the other commercialisation opportunities. Turns out it’s the University’s dating agency.”

“Not much help then.”

“Not entirely. They set up a date for me with a pretty post-graduate from the Department of Tactical Anatomy and Ecocritical Feminism on Tuesday.”

“Good luck with that. You know, it occurs to me that that is the one Department in this University where the two subjects have any relevance to each other. Anyway, did you find out anything that is actually useful?”

“Of course. The person we want to speak to is Professor Hirsch. He has his own laboratory in the Hirsch tower, across campus.”

“Hirsch Tower? He has a building named after him?”

“Reserved for his personal use apparently. As the cleverest man at the University, he insisted.”

“Then let us pay him a visit. Artimo, it’s probably best if you go somewhere quiet out of the way. Perhaps that Impact Chamber Doktor Tzeek was telling us about.”

“Yes, your Majesty.” Taking the Muses somewhere like the University was always a risk. There were still far too many Sparks labouring under the misapprehension that they would be able to emulate Master van Rijn’s brilliance, if only they could examine (i.e. dismantle) one of his creations to see how it worked. If he was going to visit the strongest Spark on the campus, Tarvek decided the lesser of the two risks would be to hide Artimo out of sight. Once they were sure she was safe, Tarvek and Veilchen continued across the campus to the Hirsch Tower.

“Who said he is the smartest man in the University?” asked Tarvek.

“He did.”

“What about women?”

“As far as he is concerned, they don’t count. Ah, that’s his tower over there.” Veilchen indicated a short tower, four stories high, made of some shiny white material. “Interesting construction. What is it, some kind of ceramic?”

“No, not ceramic. Look again.” They reached the tower and Veilchen ran his hand over the wall.

“Odd, it feels more like bone…  wait… it’s… Oh no, surely not. It can’t be.”

“Of course it is.”

“But all those elephants!”

“Come on. Let’s see what the Professor has to offer us.”

The door of the tower was closed, so Veilchen rang the doorbell. Having had a considerable experience of Sparks, and a veteran of working for the Sturmvoraus family, he stood to one side of the door and used a foot-long extendable rod, rather than his finger, to push the button. There was nothing more sinister than a trite ‘bing-bong’ echoing from within the tower. A small panel opened in the door and a mechanism on a clank arm emerged; a combination of mechanical eye and speaker.

“Yes? What do you want?” exclaimed a reedy petulant voice from the speaker grill. “If you’re a student, stop wasting my time! Go away and talk to one of my minions!”

“Ah, good morning Professor Hirsch,” said Veilchen. “King Tarvek I, the Storm King, is here to see you at your earliest convenience!” The mechanical eye paused, as though trying to decide whether someone was playing a joke on it. It gave Veilchen a long hard stare, then swivelled to regard Tarvek, who did his best impression of annoyed royalty left standing on the doorstep. The eye looked him up and down.

“That’s Herr Doktor Professor Hirsch, you ignorant fool.”

“I’m here to talk to you about your exciting research,” replied Tarvek, controlling the Spark cadences in his voice to give just the right compromise between politeness and command.

“Oh very well,” grumbled the eye, “I suppose you can come in then. But it had better be important. I’m very busy.”

The eye retracted and the door opened automatically on smooth, well-oiled hinges, to reveal a hallway displaying many prestigious-looking awards and certificates. A large painting dominated the entrance. The subject obviously considered himself the Most Important Man in the Room. ‘Herr Doktor Professor Nenorocit Hirsch’ was printed on the bottom in large capital letters. The professor was thin to the point of emaciation, with pale, almost albino skin and a comical wild mop of long white hair.

Tarvek glanced around the room. He was already starting to have a bad feeling about this.

“Did you hear the hinges on that door?” he whispered to Veilchen.

“No.”

“Exactly. A bit worrying don’t you think?” Veilchen had far too much experience to bother to ask questions. The warning was all he needed.

“Up the stairs to the top floor,” said the reedy voice. The visitors climbed up the large and pretentious circular stairway that led to the upper floors. They passed floors dedicated to laboratories – mechanical labs, Veilchen noticed, but all devoid of activity and worryingly quiet. They reached the top floor and a shut door. Veilchen knocked. After an annoying pause the door opened on silent hinges.

“Enter,” said the peevish voice, with the clear implication that it had better things to do than talk to the little people. They walked into the Professor’s enormous office, where the man himself sat at an oversized desk, busily writing, far too busy to even look up to acknowledge his visitors, let alone stand to greet them. In the flesh, he looked even less impressive than his picture. Veilchen was annoyed at such a show of disrespect. In the days of Prince Aronev, he would by now have been inviting the arrogant academic to eat his own ears, but now a new softer and more tolerant generation was in charge. Things had changed, and not necessarily for the better. He felt a slight tremor run through the tower and was immediately on the alert. Tarvek and the Professor showed no sign of having even noticing, and there was no immediate threat.

“Herr Doktor Professor, thank you for sparing so much of your valuable time to see me,” began Tarvek, in far too polite a tone for Veilchen’s taste. “I’ve come to the University to learn more about your colleague Dr Omdenimic’s Incredible Invention.”

The Professor looked up from his important work with a scowl.

 “That fool Dr Omdenimic? His work is trivial! Inconsequential! The man is a pompous idiot. He has built his reputation boasting of his greatness to gullible fools who know no better than to believe everything he says. Transparent metal? Pah!”

“Yes, I too was sceptical when I heard of the results,” agreed Tarvek pleasantly. “I’ve read Professor Berovic’s treatise on metallic interphasic properties, where he shows that transparent metal is impossible. Although I have never trusted the word ‘impossible’, his paper was remarkably convincing. No, I have my sources and they say that the true ground-breaking research at this University is being performed in your laboratories. That’s why I’m here.”

The Professor swelled with pride. Veilchen was reminded of a puffer fish. It brought back nostalgic memories of the time he’d poisoned an entire convent.

“Ah, you refer to my paper demonstrating the effect of orgone energy potential on clockwork spring tension! A true work of genius, that has never achieved the recognition it deserves, because there is no-one in this University, and perhaps in all of Europa, capable of understanding it.”

Tarvek adjusted his pince-nez, a habit of his when he was about to make a point.

“Herr Doktor Professor, I _have_ read your paper, I _have_ understood it and the reason that it has not achieved recognition is because it is, in fact, complete bollocks.”

The Professor deflated, his smug smile replaced by righteous outrage. His white, unhealthy face flushed pink with anger.

“You dare to question my Science?! What do you know, you fop? I clearly demonstrated a perfect linear relationship between orgone potential and spring tension! With a correlation coefficient of +1.000000. You ignorant fool! How can you possibly understand?”

“Let’s see,” replied Tarvek reasonably, counting the points off on his fingers. “First, your ‘perfect relationship’ only had two data points in it, so of course there was a perfect straight line between them. Second, you quoted the coefficients of the linear relationship to seven decimal places, when your experimental data was only accurate to two. Third, the error bars on your two data points was greater than the difference between the two measurements, so there was not in fact any significant difference between your observations at all.”

The Professor spluttered.

“In conclusion, yes, a demonstration of the effect of orgone potential on spring tension would indeed be a piece of brilliant physics, opening the way to many new and innovative practical applications, but I am afraid that you, Professor, have yet to accomplish it. Let me know when you do, although perhaps you might benefit from a basic course in experimental design and data analysis first.”

“You dare!” Veilchen moved to a step closer to Tarvek ready to defend him if necessary. He was looking forward to the opportunity. He had a soft spot for elephants. To his disappointment, Tarvek seemed to think better of what he said.

“I’m sorry if I was rude, Professor, but your own work is not what I am here to discuss. I am very keen to work closely with you to develop the exciting innovations being developed in your laboratory, to our mutual benefit, I might add. From all I hear, these lines of research will establish your name as one of the foremost scientists in Europa. With these triumphs behind you, I am sure you will be able to return to your pure research, with large research grants and equipment, repeat your experiments in more detail and finally prove your hypothesis to everyone’s satisfaction.”

The Professor glared at him but said nothing.

“You see,” continued Tarvek, “what I am interested in is your work on aetheric particle removal and your improvements to the Halifax engine. Your miniaturisation of the aetheric precipitator to remove the sediment from beer without the need for filters will revolutionise brewing. Cloudy beer will be a thing of the past! The reduced power consumption means it can be installed in every tavern in Europa! Think of the potential royalties, not to mention the benefits to all mankind! And as for the improvements to the Halifax engine, well, I don’t have to remind you that it is a key component of every cognitive engine created in the last sixty years. From the figures I have seen, the promised increased efficiency could increase the AIQ of every clank by 40%. The potential is enormous!”

If Tarvek hoped that this would have a mollifying effect on the academic he was sadly mistaken.

“That work?! The research of mere students! How ignorant you must be if you think it was anything other than the most trivial results. If you knew anything at all you would know that aetheric particle removal and the Halifax engine were invented over two hundred years ago! Their workings are common knowledge! If you think this is innovation or commercial potential you must be even more stupid than you look!”

Tarvek sighed. “Yes Herr Doktor Professor, I know that we can hardly hope to patent the Aetheric Precipitator or the Halifax Engine. Both have long been in the public domain, but we _can_ patent significant new improvements to the devices that give a vastly increased performance or overcome significant technical problems. Even better, we will have complete freedom to operate because all the patents protecting the core technologies will have expired long ago.”

“Bah! It was the work of students! There was nothing worthwhile in either project I tell you.”

“You’re not a Spark are you Professor?”

“What… No, but that’s completely irrelevant. What is the Spark compared to my depth of knowledge and breadth of experience?”

“And your students were, weren’t they?”

“Who are you to question me?” sneered Professor Hirsch. The pink flush anger had returned to his face. Veilchen thought he heard a sound at the window of the office, neither a tap of a solid object or splash of water, but something in between. He sensed impending trouble.

“I’m sorry, Herr Doktor Professor,” continued Tarvek. “Clearly, one of us is wasting the other’s time. Perhaps I should go and talk to your students directly. Are they still working in your laboratories downstairs?”

“Ha! You think I would tolerate those two incompetents in _my_ tower?! Or even in this University?! I failed them both and had them thrown off their courses! I’ve made it clear to every University in Europa that they are not fit to even clean floors! I will not tolerate those whippersnappers questioning my brilliance and my authority. No! I have ensured they will never have a career in science and burned their useless research.”

“You destroyed their research?!” Veilchen heard a note of fear in Tarvek’s voice. “All their notes? Their prototypes? Their results?” There was a strange noise that came from within the very walls of the room. Tarvek jumped at the sound and turned pale.

“Worthless, all of it! Now, who are you to waste my time with your ignorant prattle. I’ll thank you to keep your nose out of my affairs and not meddle in things you cannot possibly hope to comprehend! Now go!”

That was almost too much for Veilchen. No-one talked to the Storm King like that. He was on the edge of teaching this person some manners, orders or no, but Tarvek seemed completely defeated.

“My apologies, Herr Doktor Professor,” he said edging backwards from the room, almost as though he feared the preposterous little man. “I will leave at once. Be assured, I will not be troubling you again. Come Veilchen.” The smoke knight was amazed. He had never seen Tarvek so crushed since his training days, and now everyone knew that that had all been an act. He followed his master out of the room.  Once they were back in the corridor, and the door had closed silently behind them, he turned to Tarvek.

“So, now I wait for you to leave the building and establish an alibi, then I sneak back in and cut out his tongue, yes?”

“No.”

“No? You’d prefer some other part of his anatomy? Or perhaps you simply want me to kill him in a painful and amusing manner.”

“No. We’re not going to do anything.”

“What, we’re letting him go?”

“Letting him go? My dear Vielchen, the man has just poured scorn on the work of two Sparks, had them sent down in disgrace, ruined their careers and destroyed all their research notes. What do you think _they_ will do?”

“Oh. Ah.”

“Exactly. Didn’t you hear all those strange noises? I suspect that even now, the Sparks are returning to Wreak their Revenge!”

From behind the door, they heard the sound of glass breaking and the professor’s reedy voice raised in fear and alarm. Then there came a terrible scream.

“Should we go and help him?” asked Veilchen.

“No.”

“That’s what I thought. What _should_ we do?”

The door behind them was burst open by a mass of eldritch tentacles. Some of them had eyes. All of them had teeth.

“I think running away is probably the best option.” They ran away. Very fast. There may have been a certain amount of screaming involved. They just made it out of the Hirsch Tower in time. Fortunately, the abomination of science snapping at their heels did not pursue them outside, so they stopped at a safe distance to watch the show. The sound of terrible screaming from the top of the tower went on for quite a long time. Finally, mercifully, it ceased with an unpleasant gurgle. Very slowly, the walls began to glow and then to sag. Very slowly, the tower collapsed into a puddle of liquefied goo.

“Impressive,” said Tarvek, with the appreciation of a true connoisseur. “I didn’t know it was possible to make ivory melt.”

The puddle began to smoke, and then to smoulder. Suddenly the entire thing erupted into a ten-metre-high column of intense, unnatural flame. Tarvek sighed in resignation.

“And that, I’m afraid my dear Veilchen, is the end of Herr Doktor Professor Hirsch. There remains only one thing to do.” He took from his pocket a rod, with three cruel spines on the end, like a small trident. Veilchen, an aficionado of anything that caused pain and death, regarded the unfamiliar device with interest. It was too flimsy to be a weapon. Presumably, it must be some horrible weapon of torture. He followed his master until they were as close as they could get to the roaring pillar of flame without getting their eyebrows singed. Tarvek reached into his pocket again and extracted lumps of some unhealthy-looking white spongy material from a paper bag. He placed a piece on each prong of his trident, extended the handle and held it out towards the funeral pyre of Herr Doktor Professor Nenorocit Hirsch.

“So, Veilchen… Marshmallows?”


	3. Gilgamesh Wulfenbach Makes His Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Administration and Strategic Oversight of Academic Research_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _All the situations, institutions and characters depicted in this story are completely fictitious and bear absolutely no relation to real people or events. At all. Honest._

Herr Doktor Lasand was engrossed in a series of complex calculations when his door burst open without warning. Of course, as a high-ranking University administrator it was not unprecedented for an angry academic to storm into his office, but this time there had not even been any loud protests from his secretary to give him a few seconds warning. He looked up from his work with his best expression of a patronising patrician and froze in horror. The intruder was not some mere professor who seemed to think that his research and teaching was more important than the smooth running of the university, but two young women in military uniform waving large guns in his direction. Behind them came the unmistakable form of Baron Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, striding into the room with the inevitable momentum of a Corbettite express. Dr Lasand had seen the Castle floating over the campus, of course, but he had never imagined that the Baron would be interested in him. He rose to his feet.

“Ah… Herr Baron… to what do I owe this honour? Please, do take a seat.”

To his relief the Baron seemed friendly – for an evil iron-fisted dictator. Gil sat down in the visitor’s chair and gave the itinerant pro-vice chancellor a friendly smile.

“Dr Lasand? I’ve been hearing from Dr Tzeek about your original ideas for re-organising the University. I’d like to hear more.” He looked down at the papers on the IPVC’s desk. “Oh, I see you are a Sudoku aficionado.”

“Um… well… it is my coffee break…” Dr Lasand began defensively. In his confusion, he’d forgotten to cover over the work he’d been doing. The Baron picked up the puzzle he had been working on.

“Hm. Fiendishly difficult too. You’re doing pretty well.” He absent-mindedly filled in a number in the puzzle, then remembered where he was and put the papers back on the desk.

“Now, tell me about your new reforms for the University. A large organisation such as the Empire inevitably suffers from inefficiencies caused by coordinating all its different departments, and I’m always looking for new ideas to improve operations. Who knows, when you have finished here, perhaps there’ll be a place for you with the Empire.”

Dr Lasand wondered if this was this some kind of trick, or if the Baron was sincere. Either way, his only course of action was to co-operate. He settled back in his seat, and with all the confidence he could muster, explained his Master Plan.

“Let me see. First, it’s obvious that we need to focus more on our research outputs. We were spending far too much on expensive postdoctoral research minions, while the experienced permanent members of staff were spending far too much time teaching and weren’t able to get into the lab enough. We have cut down on the PDRMs and instigated a scheme to buy out the time of the lecturers so they can do more research. Then, to fill the minion gap, we’ve employed more post graduate researchers, to produce lots of additional research outputs.”

“An interesting plan. But from what I hear, the academics who signed up for the plan did not in fact have their teaching time bought out, but had to find additional time to do their research _and_ their teaching commitments, while no longer having the benefit of experienced minions.”

“Ah, well, as it turned out, we found it difficult to find anyone to buy out the expertise of the senior staff. We were hoping to use the newly-appointed post-graduates, but we found they simply didn’t have the breadth of knowledge to provide adequate undergraduate teaching.”

“That must have come as an unwelcome surprise.”

“Yes, but fortunately, we were able to use the money we didn’t spend on covering for senior academics’ teaching to employ three more senior management staff to work on the long-term strategic plan for the University.”

“Ah yes, your senior strategy team. I’ve already heard how you funded them by reducing the numbers of specialist front-line administrators.”

“I’m sure you’ll agree that all large organisations have far too much bureaucracy and spend far too much on administration.”

“So you got rid of the highly skilled teams dealing with finance, legal contracts, intellectual property and funding applications.”

“That’s right. All of that work could quite easily be passed on to the general administrators in individual faculties.”

“You mean departments.”

“Oh yes, of course, we changed the structures didn’t we. I’m sure the administrators will soon pick up all the procedures. There may even some funding in the budget next year to give them some specialist training, although I’m hoping that by then they’ll have grasped the new procedures and signing policies anyway, so we can spend the money on more productive activities.”

“Like strategy planning.”

“Exactly!”

“And you’ve also introduced the new sign-off policy.”

“Yes, it’s vital for a new University like this to maintain control of its expenditure. We can’t have academics spending money without due oversight. Now any expenditure, be it for research or estate management, must be signed by at least five senior managers from five different departments, plus the Director of Finance and Health and Safety Commissar, and then only after a detailed justification form has been completed in triplicate.”

“All in all, a brilliant piece of work, if you don’t mind me saying so. I am most impressed.” Dr Lasand breathed a sigh of relief and glowed with pride.

“I have just one more question.”

“Yes?”

“How long have you been working for the town of Hufftberg to destroy Teerstadt University?”

Dr Lasand turned pale. The Baron crossed his arms and stared at the itinerant pro-vice chancellor. Behind him the two Devil Dolls cocked their weapons with ominous synchronised clacks. The Baron had had them rehearsing the move for an hour on the flight to the University.

“I… I… Herr Baron… the idea is preposterous… what makes you think that…”

“Please. Those distinctive shoe laces. The sudden availability of Herbal Tea in the Staff Common Room. Those Sudoku problems. The replacement of all the light bulbs in the Department of Applied Epistemology. Don’t waste my time by trying to deny it!”

“But what makes you think I’m not working for the good of the University?”

“Come now, all your so-called reforms will obviously cripple the University. Removing all the frontline staff and passing their work on to general administrators, who are already overworked, do not have the necessary skill set and no opportunity for training. Disrupting the day-to-day running of the University with complicated procedures but not explaining to the people you’ve made responsible for them how they work. The requirements to have every decision signed by five – no seven – different people, while not telling the staff who need to organise the work who these people are, or what the procedure is to obtain the signatures, or even getting agreement from the signatories; the appointment of highly-paid senior staff who spend all their time determining strategy, but making no contribution to the day-to-day running of the University, while taking away the resources that should be used to fund and support academics; the reorganisation of the University’s structure into completely random combinations of subjects to minimise the knowledge exchange between related academics and discouraging all the best students from applying to the University; moving the library so far from the main campus that no-one will use it; the concentration of your research budget on the academics, who never have enough time to get into the lab, and post graduates, who are still learning their trade and are less likely to produce any worthwhile research, at the expense of experienced postdoctoral research minions who are the true engines of scientific progress in any research team – a master touch I thought.”

Dr Lasand realised that the game was up.

“Yes! All right! I admit it! I work for Hufftberg. This University should have been given to us, not to this God-forsaken little rat-hole in the middle of nowhere. We were the ones with the new Corbettite terminal! We were the ones with the academic tradition! We couldn’t let this insult go unchallenged! Now, once my reorganisation is complete, this institution will fail within five years! I’ll make them pay! I’ll show them!! I’ll show them all!!!”

He stood up and shouted, shaking his fists at the ceiling.

_“FOOLS! MY EVIL PLAN WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!! MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!... haha…ah…um.”_

Baron Wulfenbach loomed over him, bringing his rant to a premature halt. Gil was never quite in the same league as his father when it came to looming, lacking the old Baron’s sheer physical size and presence, but he was still one of the best proponents of the art in all of Europa. Dr Lasand cowered beneath his glare and slumped back into his chair.

“All this is irrelevant,” growled Baron Wulfenbach. “What I want to know is, what have you done with Herr Doktor Omdenimic and his Incredible Invention?!”

“Omdenimic? But isn’t he in his lab? With his wretched Incredible Invention?”

“No. I’ve just come from there. Herr Dr Omdenimic has been kidnapped and his Incredible Invention stolen!”

“But… this has nothing to do with me!” The Baron added extra menace to his loom. The Devil Dolls readied their weapons. “Please! You’ve got to believe me!”

“Why? You admit to deliberately sabotaging the University and now their best researcher and their best research suddenly vanish! Coincidence? I don’t think so!”

“But it wasn’t me! I never had the opportunity! I was going to discredit him and sabotage his research while promoting the work of complete idiots as the best the University could produce! Look!” He scrambled to his feet and took down a box file from the shelf. The itinerant pro-vice chancellor rummaged through the papers inside in panic, desperate to find the correct document.

“Here! See?!” He thrust several sheets of paper under Gil’s nose. “It’s all here in my Evil Project Plan! There’s the Evil Gantt Chart with the necessary Evil Tasks and Evil Milestones to ensure the University never benefitted from the Incredible Invention!”

Gil scanned through the pages. The fiendish plan and would indeed have discredited the University far more than the simple removal of the Dr Omdenimic. The new IP policy that funnelled all the income directly to the University while the inventors got nothing; the new requisition policy that made it a disciplinary offence to spend money without 5 senior managers signing off the paperwork at least one month in advance, which would have made it impossible to maintain any sort of patent; the new procedures for approving funding applications that took longer than the time between the funding round being announced and the submission deadline. All in all, a brilliant piece of work guaranteed to stifle any innovation, demoralise any entrepreneurial academics and ensure that even the Incredible Invention would never benefit the University or its inventors. He put the papers down on the desk and turned his attention back to Dr Lasand.  

“Very clever, but obviously a cunning double bluff. Now, I’ll ask you one more time. What have you done with Herr Doktor Omdenimic?!” He moved closer to the cowering administrator. “ _We have ways of making you talk!_ ”

Dr Lasand’s eyes widened in terror. His face turned to a chalky white. He fell to his knees and clutched the Baron’s coat.

“NO! PLEASE!! NOT THE ENCHANTED TIKKI ROOM!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!”

“THEN TELL ME WHERE YOU HAVE HIDDEN THE INCREDIBLE INVENTION!” Baron Wulfenbach turned to his minions. “SIGNAL THE CASTLE! TELL MISTREES SPÜDNA TO PREPARE THE COMFY CHAIR!!”

“NO!! I BEG YOU!! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!!!” Dr Lasand collapsed into terrified, hysterical sobbing. Gil considered. An away day between his command staff and Agatha’s head minions had seemed like a good idea at the time, and several mutually beneficial initiatives had arisen, but he made a mental note to keep Mistress Spüdna away from the dreaded Jäger Colonel Herdthinner in the future. Sometimes he lay awake in the small hours of the morning, terrified by the thought of what other innovations the two ladies had created that they hadn’t felt the need to tell him about. Still, there was no mistaking the honesty in the hysterical fear. He’d seen too many broken men to know Dr Lasand was not prevaricating. He brushed him off his best coat before he creased the fabric.

“Very well, I believe you.”

“What are you going to do with me?” quavered the cowering administrator. Baron Wulfenbach raised an eyebrow.

“You? Oh, nothing.”

“What? You’re letting me go? But I thought you despised traitors.”

“I do. But you are not a traitor. You are a loyal agent of the City of Hufftberg, sent here to crush your enemies. Such petty bickering is not the concern of the Empire, so long as the peace is not disturbed or the Empire itself not threatened. If Herr Doktor Tzeek is too stupid to realise that one of his own senior staff is deliberately sabotaging his University, this is not my problem. When the University collapses into chaos, then I suppose we’ll need to send someone in to pick up the mess.”

“Now Herr Doktor, I think we have covered all of the points on my agenda and this meeting is over, unless you have any other business to discuss?” Dr Lasand shook his head. “Then, thank you for your time. My offer of work still stands by the way. The Empire always has need of skilled infiltrators and saboteurs. Good day. Come along ladies.” He turned on his heel and strode out of the room, his two guards behind him. Once they were back outside one of them risked speaking.

“Amazing Herr Baron! Truly, you equal the achievements of your father, to make such deductions on such evidence!”

“I do try.”

“But Herr Baron, how did all those minute observations tell you he was from Hufftberg?”

“Hm? The shoe laces? Oh, I made all that up. Except for the Sudoku of course. No, Herr Doktor Lasand was either a complete idiot or deliberately seeking to sabotage the University. His mastery of fiendish Sudoku showed that he was not a complete idiot, so the conclusion was obvious. The only possible candidate with sufficient motive is Hufftberg, and when I presented it to him as fact he was good enough to confirm it.”

“Brilliant!”

“Elementary. Unfortunately, this means that I have been following a red herring and am no nearer to finding Herr Doktor Omdenimic or his Incredible Invention.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, the Devil Dolls, the town of Hufftberg and Teerstadt University are the creations of Studio Foglio LLC. Colonel Herdthinner is herself. You can check out her fanfic here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herdthinner/pseuds/herdthinner/works_


	4. Agatha Heterodyne Makes Her Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _How to Communicate in the Workplace_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _All the situations, institutions and characters depicted in this story are completely fictitious and bear absolutely no relation to real people or events. At all. Honest._

Meanwhile, Agatha, her Secretary, Violetta and Moloch had assembled in the conference room of the _Holzauge_ , The Heterodyne’s personal airship, to plan their move. Moloch had brought his lunch and took the opportunity to eat his dinner. There had been a time when the catering staff used to supply rather nice chocolate biscuits at team meetings, but they always put them on plates in the middle of the table where no-one could reach them without being rude and reaching across the table. Agatha had invented an ingenious solution to solve the problem, but after the unpredictable freak accident at the first field trial, no-one involved would ever be able to look at a chocolate biscuit again without a shiver going down their spine, and it had been decided that in future everyone would be responsible for bringing their own food.

“Where do we start looking?” asked Violetta. “The kidnappers could have taken Omdenimic anywhere. Any clue where we can even begin?”

“We could wait for the ransom demand and just pay it,” suggested Moloch.

“No, we don’t pay ransom demands,” said Agatha. “Anyway, what we want is the Incredible Invention. I’m expecting the kidnappers to auction it off to the highest bidder. I’m not sure we’ll be able to outbid the Wulfenbach Empire.”

“Why not let Wulfenbach pay the money and then use your feminine charms to wheedle the secret out of him?” The three women glared at Moloch and the temperature in the room dropped by 5 degrees. “Or not,” he added quickly and concentrated on his sandwich.

“That won’t be necessary,” said Agatha firmly. “I took the opportunity to look at the equipment in the lab. It was very well equipped, but it didn’t look as though it had been used for some time. I don’t think that was where Omdenimic was conducting his research.”

“Ah, you mean all the equipment was covered in dust?” asked the Secretary.

“No, there were no blood stains and I didn’t see signs of fire damage anywhere. Either Omdenimic hasn’t been trying hard enough or…”

“…or what?”

“He was a Spark working on a top secret, incredibly innovative invention, in an environment full of competitive and acquisitive academics who would be only too ready to steal the secret of the Incredible Invention. What would any self-respecting scientist do under those circumstances?”

“Of course! He would have had a Secret Lair!”

“Exactly. All we have to do is find it and we’ll discover the Secret of the Incredible Invention! And I wouldn’t be surprised to find that that is where the kidnappers are holding him, especially if it turns out this Fecinec minion is behind it all.”

“Just one problem,” said Violetta.

“What?”

“We don’t know where it is. The word ‘secret’ is the big give away, see?”

“Don’t worry! I have a plan!”

Violetta’s shoulders slumped.

“Of course you do. How wonderful.”

“You two come with me,” Agatha told her Secretary and Violetta, “I need to talk to Dr Tzeek! No need for you to come von Zinzer. Why don’t you go back to the Department of Obsolete Languages and Ambiguous Engineering and see if you can find anything else about this Mr Fecinec from the other min- er… mechanics and technicians. It might give us a clue to his motivations and that will… what are you doing?” Agatha’s had to ask the question. Moloch had finished his sandwiches, and had started on dessert, an apple and a bottle of ‘ _Smouldering Monk_ ’, the beer brewed in Mechanicsburg to mark the 300th anniversary of the building of the Red Cathedral. Rather than cutting the apple into halves and quarters, he was carefully dividing it into five equal segments.

“The apple? It was your idea.”

“Oh, er… was it?”

“Yeah, remember that healthy eating drive last month? You said that as part of a balanced diet it was important for everyone to eat five pieces of fruit a day. So…” he indicated his apple. “Can’t see how it makes a difference myself, but what do I know?”

Agatha opened her mouth to explain, and then decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

“Anyway,” asked Moloch. “Why do they call it Teerstadt University? I thought this dump was called Tartown.”

“It is, but they decided that didn’t sound grand enough for a prestigious seat of learning, so the University adopted the German version of the town’s name. Like Darmstadt did.”

Moloch’s brow wrinkled in concentration as he tried to recall what little German he knew.

“Offal Town,” added Agatha helpfully.

\-----------*

 “Ah, so I take it you’ll be searching the campus, Lady Heterodyne?” asked Dr Tzeek. Agatha had arrived back in his office with her two female minions and an enthusiastic but strangely disquieting smile.

“You don’t mind, do you?” she asked.

“Of course not,” he lied. He had been around Sparks long enough to know that was not a question. One detail still worried him. “Er… and will you be using any Jägermonsters?”

“No, don’t worry, I didn’t bring any. I thought they wouldn’t be necessary for a visit to a University. Anyway, they’re all busy helping Zeetha take care of my carnivorous forest.”

“Ahaha. Don’t you mean _coniferous_ forest?”

Agatha looked a little embarrassed.

“Ah… no, not exactly. You see, my experiment to create self-growing pine furniture had a few… er… unforeseeable side-effects.”

“Oh, right. So, how can I help you?”

“As the first step I wonder if we could see all the requisitions for Herr Doktor Omdenimic’s project for say, oh, the last six months?” asked the Secretary.

“Oh, of course, there’ll be copies in… ah… oh dear.”

“Is there a problem?”

“Oh no. Only, we’ll have to ask Frau Dizgratios, the University’s Chief Administrator. She’s quite a formidable lady. Her office is just down the corridor. If you’d care to follow me.” He led the way, thinking that perhaps a few Jägermonsters for backup might not have been such a bad idea after all.

Dr Tzeek knocked politely on the Chief Administrator’s office door, hoping he wouldn’t be heard, so he could pretend no-one was in and go away. It became apparent that his plan was not going to work, because on the other side of the door an angry voice was engaged in a one-sided conversation. There was no response to the knock. As he was, after all, in charge, the Vice Chancellor walked in anyway, his visitors behind him.

Frau Dizgratios was short, pasty-faced and stout with black spiky hair. Everything about her sagged; her overweight body, her posture, even the lines on her face were all slumping downwards, as though she were a wax statue that was very slowly melting. She was sitting at a desk, larger than the Vice-Chancellor’s, speaking into a remote voice tube.

 “No, I didn’t do it! Do you think I give a damn?” There was a squeaky reply from the tube.

“I don’t care if it is supposed to be my job! Do it yourself!” She slammed the speaking trumpet back on to its receiver. “Tosser!” she swore at the device.

She looked at the intruders with no attempt to hide her hostility.

“What do you want?”

“Ah… well… may I introduce Lady Hetero…”

“Why don’t you sod off, the lot of you? I’m busy.”

“This won’t take a moment of your valuable time,” explained the Secretary in her Most Reasonable Voice. “It is very important.”

“So what?”

“Now look here,” said Agatha. “We need to find some records.”

“Come back in a fortnight. Can’t be bothered right now.”

 “But we need you to find those records now. That is supposed to be your job isn’t it? It’s what the University pay you for.”

“It’s what the University pay you for,” repeated Frau Dizgratios in a insulting falsetto imitation. “Why should I give a toss? They pay me whether I do my job or not.”

“But don’t you want to make a contribution to the University? Pull your weight? Actually achieve something with your life?” suggested Agatha. “You are hurting the entire organisation you know.” She gave a significant look towards the Vice-Chancellor, who suddenly found his shoes extremely interesting.

“Think I care? They can’t get rid of me. They can’t make me do any work if I don’t want to. I’m shop steward of the Union and I know my rights. Do you think I give a toss about any of this crap? I get paid and that’s all I care about.”

“But you could resign, Frau Dizgratios,” said Agatha’s Secretary still using her Most Reasonable Voice. “Look, here is a letter of resignation. I always carry a standard form for situations just like this. If you’d just sign here and leave, we’ll have your things sent on to you and we’ll take it from here.” She gave the Chief Administrator an encouraging smile and laid the resignation form on the desk. She was rewarded by a look of incredulous contempt.

“What you think I’m going to give up a cushy job like this just because some jumped-up little speccy girl needs something?” She turned back Agatha. “Bog off, you tubby little sow!”

Agatha gave a startled, hurt gasp and turned towards the window, her back to the Chief Administrator.

“Aw, did I hurt your feelings?” sneered Frau Dizgratios. “Are you all upset? Well, it’s not my fault you’ve got such an enormous fat backside.”

“Oh dear,” exclaimed the Secretary and Violetta together. Before Dr Tzeek could apologise or intervene, he found his elbows held in vice-like grips and the two ladies almost carried him out into the corridor. He was perturbed – and a little frightened – by how strong they were. Once the door had closed behind them, the Secretary let out a sigh of relief and turned to him in a business-like manner.

“The contents of the Chief Administrator’s office. Is there anything in there of intrinsic value?”

“Oh, all completely standard office equipment. Why?” Dr Tzeek made nervous glances behind him at the closed door. He thought he could still hear Frau Dizgratios’ unpleasant voice. She was probably still sneering at Lady Heterodyne, but then again, she spoke like that if she were asking someone to pass the salt. The secretary took another form from her scrip and started to fill it in. The Vice Chancellor could see that The Heterodyne’s Secretary had quite a thick pad of them.

“Collateral damage compensation claim form,” she explained. ”Now, as I recall...”

From inside the administrator’s office they heard Frau Dizgratios’ sneer suddenly change to a shocked squeal in the middle of a sentence. There was the sound of splintering wood. The secretary made a note on her form.

“…Chair…” There was the sound of an electrical zap and the sound of more wood breaking, louder this time.

 “…desk…”

China shattered…

“…tea service…”

There was a dull boom and the sound of glass breaking. Frau Dizgratios screamed.

“…window, plus frame…”

There was a sudden ‘whompf’ of flame…

“…carpet…”

The secretary paused with her head to one side, listening, and then gently guided the vice Chancellor to one side of the doorway.

“…door, oak, internal…”

The door exploded into fragments as a large metal object flew through it and flattened itself against the far wall.

“…filing cabinet, metal.” She frowned at the space where the door used to be. “… door frame and associated masonry…”

Frau Dizgratios staggered out of the room. Her hair was smoking. She started at the Vice Chancellor as though she had never seen him before, thrust the signed letter of resignation into his hands and ran off down the corridor, making strange whimpering noises. The Secretary ignored the ex-Chief Administrator and handed Dr Tzeek her own form, not without a certain feeling of Mechaniac pride.

“If you’ll just sign here and here, I’ll arrange for your compensation. Would you prefer to use your own contractors and then bill us, or would you rather we handle all the repairs directly ourselves?”

The Vice Chancellor reviewed what he had seen of the House of Heterodyne so far.

“If it’s all the same to you, I think I’d prefer to use our own people.”

“Probably the wisest thing to do, if I’m honest.”

Agatha walked out through the hole in the wall where the door used to be, looking slightly embarrassed. “Ah, I’m afraid there’s been a little…um…,” she began.

“Don’t worry, Lady Heterodyne,” the Secretary assured her, “Everything is all taken care of.” Agatha brightened.

“Oh good, that’s all right then. I found the Dr Omdenimic’s requisitions.” She waived a cardboard file.

“Thank you, Lady Heterodyne. Now perhaps we should return to the Vice Chancellor’s Office.”

Dr Tzeek didn’t bother to look into the wrecked room. He took the hint and led the three ladies back down the corridor.

\-----------------*

 “Yes! See! It’s so obvious!”

Agatha was back in the Dr Tzeek’s office with Violetta and her Secretary, excitedly scattering the requisition orders from the folder across the floor as she analysed them. Moloch had returned from a profitable visit to the Minion’s Common Room, where a little liquid hospitality on The Heterodyne’s expense account had provided him with all the information he needed about Mr Fecinec. He’d already stopped off at the _Holzauge_ for the materials he wanted from the ship’s strong room, although he hadn’t felt the need to explain to Agatha what exactly he was planning. That would mean unnecessary delays and explanations. Fortunately, Agatha was far too preoccupied to worry about the small unobtrusive hermetically-sealed case covered with biohazard symbols he was hiding behind his back.

“Look! When we put together this order and this order and this requisition, why then it is obvious to anyone where the Secret Lair is. Why, it is right here on Campus! We won’t even need to use the _Holzauge_!” She ran across the room to consult a large map of the University campus on the far wall. Violetta was suitably impressed.

“This is just like she did in Paris. ‘Obvious to anyone’ indeed.”

“I believe the technical term is ‘obvious to one skilled in the art’,” replied The Secretary. She bent down to pick up the discarded requisitions. “Ah, then again…” She showed a couple of the papers to von Zinzer. He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“What?” demanded Violetta.

“I’m sure that Lady Heterodyne did something very, very clever to locate the Secret Lair…” began the Secretary loyally.

“…but she probably just read the delivery address off the invoices,” said Moloch, finishing her sentence for her. “And she complains at _me_ when I come up with the simple solution!”

“So where are we going?”

“The one place in the University everyone avoids if they possibly can,” the Secretary told her.

“Not… not… You don’t mean … the Diversity Awareness and Equality Office?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Oh bugger.”

“There’s no help for it.”

“You’ll need to talk to Mr Preemby,” added Dr Tzeek helpfully. “He’s the Head of Department.”

 “Come on! Let’s go!” exclaimed Agatha eagerly. Her enthusiasm to find the Incredible Invention, and especially to find it before Gil and Tarvek, made her sound like a little girl impatient for her parents to take her out on a treat.

“As a matter of fact, Lady Heterodyne,” said the secretary, “I’d like to discuss the situation with Herr Doktor Tzeek, Ms Pantagruel and Artimo. Perhaps…”

“Artimo is in the Impact Chamber,” said Dr Tzeek, “and the room is big enough for Ms Pantagruel too. And it’s sure to be empty.”

“That would be perfect. We can even get a cup of coffee. With your permission Lady Heterodyne…”

“Oh, sure,” said Agatha. “Violetta and von Zinzer should be more than enough to help me with any problems. Now come on!”

She rushed from the room. Violetta and Moloch had to run to keep up. The secretary gathered up the discarded papers (it would not have been polite to leave Dr Tzeek’s office so untidy) and walked off across the campus with the Vice Chancellor towards the new expensive empty building built for the students.

\---------------------*

Agatha, Violetta and Moloch arrived at the decrepit offices reserved for University administrators. The Diversification Office was empty, but there was plenty of promotional material available. Rousing posters on the walls proclaimed: “Equality has not yet been achieved!” and “Diverse is yet to come!” Moloch picked up a leaflet from the piles of inspirational and instructional literature.  ‘A Guide to Sexual Harassment in the Workplace’ turned out to be not quite what he thought it would be. He blushed and hastily put it back on the pile. He noticed that Violetta was crouched in a fighting stance, as though ready for an imminent attack, and even Agatha looked tense.

“Why are you two so worried?” he asked.

“You’ve never visited a diversity awareness department before have you?” Violetta replied.

“But what’s wrong with promoting diversity? This is good thing isn’t it?”

“Yes of course,” said Agatha. “It’s vitally important that people aren’t discriminated or victimised because of their sexual orientation, gender, the way they dress or their other lifestyle choices. It’s just that the people in charge of making all this happen tend to be a little… er… keen.”

“I really don’t see what’s so bad about AGH!” Moloch jumped out of his skin at the sight of the enormous ogre who strode into the room from the back office and almost knocked him to the floor. The construct stood over seven feet tall, with cropped, bright blue hair and a face full of piercings. His bulging muscles of his arms were covered with threatening tattoos.

“What’s the matter with you?” demanded the ogre.

“W… w… we were wondering if we could talk to the person in charge, please,” stammered Moloch.

“In charge? I am Mongo! Head of Diversity Awareness and Equality at the University! Are you assuming that because I am a construct I must have a mere subservient role? That I am unfit to for a managerial position? And why are you cringing and making ridiculous whining noises?”

 “Ah, you look really scary! Please don’t hit me!”

“HA! You assume that I am scary just because I chose to adopt an appearance that does not conform to your narrow-minded world view!”

“Well, yeah.” Mongo reached down and grabbed the front of Moloch’s tunic, then lifted him off the ground with ease, so they were face to face.

“Typical of your narrow stereotypic profiling! This is exactly what I am determined to stamp out! We must foster a harmonious environment where mutual respect and equity are intrinsic to the University’s culture, but you assume that because I have enhanced my physiology; teeth that can rip out your throat, strength enough to tear your arms from the sockets, tattoos that proclaim my disdain for society’s conventions, facial piercings to show my contempt for pain, claws that can disembowel you with a single blow, I must be somehow a dangerous person. I would break your legs here and now to teach you to be politically correct, where it not that Dr Tzeek has threatened me with disciplinary action after I asserted my rights in the face of blatant provocation and discrimination by the Bishop of Wurttemberg.”

Agatha and Violetta watched with the smug satisfaction of people who were waiting for the opportunity to say ‘I told you so’. Moloch whimpered. Agatha decided the diversity lesson had gone on long enough, and it was time to get take matters in hand.

 “Actually Mr Mongo,” she said, in her most friendly voice, “we were hoping to talk to Mr Preemby!”

“Fools! Mr Preemby is no more!”

Violetta gasped. “What?! You mean you’ve eaten him?!”

“No, you idiot. I _was_ Preemby! But now I have chosen to have all these wonderful enhancements, I have changed my name to Mongo. Let’s see them laugh at me now! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

“Then you are the man …er ogre I want to talk to,” said Agatha. “If you could just direct us to Herr Doktor Omdenimic’s Secret Lair, we’d be ever so grateful.”

“Secret lair? For Herr Doktor Omdenimic? I have no idea what you mean.”

“Come now, we both know that isn’t true, don’t we?” She gave the ogre her most winning smile. “We know all his requisitions have been delivered here for the last six months. It’s really important that we find his Secret Lair.”

Mongo dropped Moloch and turned to Agatha with an ill-tempered scowl.

“All right then, so I _won’t_ tell you where the Secret Lair is. What do you say to that?” 

“No, look, it’s very, very important. It will be so much easier for everyone if you could just show me where it is. You’re not trying to thwart me are you? You won’t like me when I’m thwarted.” She gave the ogre another open friendly insane smile. All the colour drained from Mongo’s face. Moloch had already taken cover behind the largest bookcase, and even Violetta took a step backwards.

“Don’t you realise how important the Incredible Invention is?!” Agatha’s voice filled with mad Spark harmonics. “With this secret I can make even better _Sturzzeugs_! My inventions will rule the skies. I will fly anywhere, faster, further higher! It will be GLORIOUS!! And I’m doing it FOR SCIENCE!!!”

“Ah… ah… I’m sure that maybe I can…” said Mongo. Agatha’s smile ratchetted up another level.

“That would be so sweet of you! It always makes me so happy when people do what I ask them! You’ll like me when I’m happy!!”

Mongo pressed himself against the wall, desperate to keep as far away from The Heterodyne as he could.

“All right! All right! Please! I’ll show you where it is! There’s a secret door behind that bookcase. Just don’t come any closer!”

“Why thank you!” said Agatha sweetly. She turned to Violetta and Moloch. “I’ve always said you can get more with a smile and a few kind words.” Neither of them dared to contradict her. Moloch gave Mongo a reassuring pat on the back. “Now _that_ is scary.” The trembling ogre nodded in agreement.

Violetta went over to the bookcase, found the secret catch and swung the secret door open on squeaky hinges, revealing a narrow rickety stair case leading down into the darkness. From long experience, she knew to wait and let Agatha close the contacts of a large blade switch at the top of the stairs. Arc lights flared into life with a crackle of electricity and a whiff of ozone, illuminating a huge cellar packed with eldritch machinery and Mad Science. There wasn’t actually a sign that read ‘SECRET LAIR’, but they had obviously come to the right place.

Agatha, her heart beating fast with excitement, descended the stairs. At last she would discover the secret of the Incredible Invention!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Agatha Heterodyne, Moloch von Zinzer, Violetta Mondarev, the Secretary, Ms Pantagruel and the University of Teerstadt are the creations of Studio Foglio LLC_


	5. The Incredible Invention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Negotiation, Licensing Agreements and Due Diligence_

Agatha descended the staircase into the Secret Lair two steps at a time. Violetta flapped along behind, scolding her because the room hadn’t been checked for death traps and ambushes yet. Moloch was quite content to do the gentlemanly thing and let the two ladies go first, so he waited at the top of the stairs until he was sure that everything was safe.

It was certainly an impressive Secret Lair, filled with all manner of huge and elaborate machinery that turned the laboratory into a myriad of dark corners. Agatha noticed with satisfaction the dark stains on the floors and ceilings, and the fused, melted or disintegrated state of some of the equipment. Here, at last, was evidence that Proper Cutting-Edge Mad Science was being conducted at the University of Teerstadt.

Once she was able to get past Agatha at the bottom of the stairs, Violetta silently ordered the Heterodyne to stay still until she had checked the room. Agatha pouted, impatient to find the Incredible Invention, but did as she was told; some of the sign language had been quite assertive. Fortunately, she didn’t have long to wait. Violetta advanced into the room and beckoned her forward. Around the corner, behind a huge phase inversion engine, stood a tall figure, waiting for them in silence, his eyes hidden behind the traditional smoked goggles. He didn’t react to the visitors.

“Ah Dr Omdenimic, I presume… er… I’m sorry if we’re intruding,” began Agatha, aware of the delicate etiquette of entering another Spark’s Secret Lair without an invitation. Dr Omdenimic didn’t seem to object. In fact, he didn’t react at all. Violetta made a sudden move towards the scientist and touched his arm. The man toppled forward and fell on his face. The entire back of his head had been blown off. Agatha peered into the hole in the scientist’s skull.

 “Siegfried! His brain is totally destroyed! There’s nothing left to reanimate. We’ll just have to hope that we can find his laboratory notes – or the Incredible Invention itself.”

There’s another possibility,” said Violetta, blushing at Agatha’s bad language. “There’s tracks of two people here in the blood. Could be the murderer is still here.” Moloch walked over to look at the tracks.

“Pretty sure that’s Mr Fecinec.”

“Well, if he’s behind this, he’s probably still hiding in here somewhere. This is a Secret Lair after all. If he was planning to hide out while he sold the Incredible Invention to the highest bidder, this would be the obvious place.”

 “That’s all very well,” said Agatha, “but he could be hiding anywhere.”

“And he’s probably watching us right now,” said Violetta, “ _and_ the place is bound to be full of death traps. I suppose I’d better get started.”

“There might be an easier way,” said Moloch. “I brought this along.” He held up his metal box, covered in biohazard signs and held shut with industrial-grade hermetic seals.

“What’s all this?” said Agatha. “Are you going to gas him with chemical agents?” Her voice hardened. “That’s entirely unethical! These are not the days of the Old Masters and I won’t allow it!”

“Do you want to find this Incredible Invention or not?”

“Oh, all right, go on then, I’m sure it will be okay this once. What is it, mustard gas?”

“No, nothing like that. It just so happens that I have here something that he won’t be able to resist.” Moloch advanced into the centre of the room brandishing his box and addressed anyone hiding in the labyrinthine laboratory with his best Sergeant Major’s voice.

“I know what you’re thinking. Does he have any cheese in his packed lunch?” He sprang the catches on his container and the room was suddenly filled with a smell like the combination of long-forgotten unwashed wet socks, tom cat urine and something that had crawled behind the kitchen cupboard one hot summer and died. The varnish on the floorboards tarnished for five feet around the open container. Moloch pulled on a pair of thick chemical-resistant protective gauntlets, reached into the box, took out of block of unhealthy yellowish green material and held it up so any hidden watcher would get the full benefit.

“This is Mechanicsburg’s finest 15-year-matured Corozivă Otravă, the most powerful cheese in the world. It can blow your head clean off. You’ve got to ask yourself one question. ‘Do I feel hungry?’ Well, do you, ratty?!”

There was a moments silence, and then a desperate scrabbling began from inside one of the giant machines. A rusty plate detached and fell to the ground with a clang. Through the aperture squeezed a small and bizarre figure. You would not have thought it could squeeze through such a tiny space, but it managed it.

“That was amazing!” exclaimed Agatha. “But how did you know that…” Her voice trailed away because the answer to her question was obvious. When Dr Tzeek had described Mr Fecinec as a rat it had not been a figure of speech. The missing minion was a construct. He had a small human body, but the head, feet and long tail of a rat. His little hands had opposable thumbs, but the claws of a rodent.

Agatha raised her favourite wrench and Violetta readied her blow pipe, but there was no threat. The pathetic creature half-walked half-crawled towards Moloch and his bait, shaking uncontrollably.

“Cheese!” he whimpered.” I must have cheese.” Moloch took a couple of steps back keeping the cheese out of his reach. Violetta circled behind to cut off any escape.

“Never mind that,” demanded Agatha. “What have you done with the Incredible Invention?” The rat noticed Agatha for the first time. His addict’s mind came back into focus.

“Hidden it where you’ll never find it. And I’m not handing it over until you pay me!”

“And you unphased all the other minions and killed Dr Omdenimic didn’t you.”

“What? No, I… You can’t prove anything!” Moloch waved the cheese in front of his nose.

“Yes! Yes! All right! It was me! But it wasn’t fair! Omdenimic was going to get all of the money when it was me that made the transparent metal!”

“Are you saying that this was all your invention?”

“No, but I was the one that did all the work. All Omdenimic did was to come up with the idea. I was the one that spent weeks and weeks creating the actual transparent steel! And I never even got my name on the patent.”

“Sorry, but it’s the person who comes up with the inventive step that owns the intellectual property, not the one who follows their instructions to make it into a practical reality.”

“But Professor Ingamfat’s minion in the Department of Imaginary History and Theoretical Teleology spent ages writing his new experimental novel on social potholing, and she got a big chunk of the royalties from all those sales!”

“Yes, but in that case we are talking about copyright. There, it’s the person that creates the actual artistic work that owns the intellectual property, not the person who had the original idea.”

“How unfair is that!”

“Copyright is irrelevant! Give me the Incredible Invention!”

“Or what?!” snarled the rat defiantly. Violetta pulled his head back and put a dagger to his throat. Mr Fecinec laid his ears flat on his head and swallowed loudly. “Ah, er, I’ll just go and get it should I?”

“If it’s not too much trouble,” said Agatha pleasantly. With one eye on Violetta’s dagger and one eye on the cheese, Mr Fecinec walked across to the machine he had been hiding in, undid another panel, and took out a small metal box and a large laboratory notebook.

“Why, thank you, Mr Fecinec,” said Agatha, taking the box and lab book. Because she isn’t one of the Old Masters, she signalled for von Zinzer to hand over the Corozivă Otravă. The construct grabbed the cheese in desperate hands and began to eat ravenously. Finally, his tortured breath subsided and gave way to an ecstatic sigh. He looked up at the expressions of his captors.

“I can give it up _anytime I want_ ,” he said defensively. “Anyway, this has been cut with gorgonzola.”

“Right, that’s that,” said Violetta. “Can we go home now?”

 “Certainly not,” exclaimed Agatha. “The Incredible Invention isn’t mine. It belongs to the University. We’ll take it back to Dr Tzeek.”

“What?!” Violetta was outraged. “You found it! You’re the Heterodyne! It’s yours now! Let’s get back to the _Holzauge_ and fly to Mechanicsburg.”

Agatha gave her a stern look. “We’ll do this properly. I’ll take the Incredible Invention back to its owner and we’ll hand Mr Fecinec here over to the authorities for trial. Then, as I’m the one who actually found the Incredible Invention, I’ll be the one that the University has to deal with! And I get to gloat at Gil and Tarvek!”

“Okay,” agreed Violetta reluctantly. “Gloating at Tarvek is always good.”

They let Mr Fecinec finish the cheese, if only to reduce the biohazard contamination risk. Violetta took him by the collar and marched him back up the stairs to Dr Tzeek and Justice. They headed for the new ‘Impact Chamber’ where The Secretary, Dr Tzeek, Artimo and Ms Pantagruel had gone to ‘discuss the situation’. The lift was still out of order. Mr Fecinec complained about having to walk up all the stairs, so Agatha spent five minutes making improvements to the lift so they could travel up to the fifth floor in comfort. They found Dr Tzeek in earnest discussion with the three ladies. He looked very pleased with himself.

“Ah, Lady Heterodyne, welcome back,” he enthused. “Ah, and you’ve found Mr Fecinec too! And is that the Incredible Invention?! How splendid! I’ll send a message to the Baron and King Tarvek to join us here.”

Ms Panagruel and Artimo both held up small intricate devices, with surely no sense of competitive edge as to which of them worked for the stronger Spark.

“Already done!” they said together.

“Dr Omdenimic is dead,” Violetta announced. “Mr Fecinec here killed him, so he could steal the Incredible Invention for himself. He’s also the one responsible for unphasing the other minions.”

“How terrible!” Dr Tzeek was shocked. “Violence on our campus! This could have grave consequences for the University. Why our student numbers could be down by as much as five percent next year if this leaks out. I don’t suppose we could record this as a Tragic Lab Accident I suppose?”

“That’s up to you, and anyway, it doesn’t matter,” exclaimed Agatha in triumph. “You see, I have found the Incredible Invention, so I am the one who will get to own it!”

“Ah,” said Dr Tzeek. Ms Pantagruel and Agatha’s Secretary both looked a little apprehensive. It says much for the genius of van Rijn that even the mechanical Artimo looked worried.

Before they could explain, the door to the Impact Chamber opened and Gil and Tarvek staggered into the room, pale and wide-eyed. Their entourage followed behind. The two Devil Dolls were clinging to each other in terror, which somewhat spoiled their air of military professionalism, but it would have taken a keen observer to notice the slight sheen of cold sweat on Veilchen’s bald head.

“Are you alright?” asked Agatha in concern. Gil and Tarvek both looked at her with thousand-yard stares.

“Y… y… you… you fixed the lift, didn’t you?” said Gil at last.

“Why yes! How did you know it was me?”

“L-Lucky guess,” said Tarvek.

They sat down heavily. Veilchen was almost back to the normal. Gil glared at the Devil Dolls and they suddenly stood up very straight, saluted and unslung their rifles.

“Anyway,” said Agatha once her fellow rulers had composed themselves, “The Incredible Invention is mine!” She showed them the box she was holding in triumph.

“Actually, Lady Heterodyne…” began her Secretary uneasily.

“What?” scowled Agatha. “Why do I think I’m not going to like what you’re going to say next?” The Secretary took a deep breath. ‘This is it,’ she thought. ‘Now I find out exactly how much of the Old Masters is in the New Heterodyne. At least I’ve lasted much longer than I could ever have expected, all things considered. I only hope my brain won’t get put into anything too embarrassing.’

“You see Lady Heterodyne, we – that’s the ladies and me,” she indicated Ms Pantagruel and Artimo, “have come to an arrangement with Dr Tzeek for the shared licensing of the intellectual property.”

“SHARED!” exclaimed The Heterodyne. “But it’s mine! I found it! It’s MINE!! MINE!!!” Agatha suddenly became aware of the tone of her own voice. She took a deep breath. “Okay then, so _what_ have you agreed?”

“Ah,” the secretary risked a quick glance at Ms Panatagruel, who was also clearly wondering if her role in the Wulfenbach Empire might not be continued. “You see it’s like this. Each of us wants to use the Incredible Invention for a different application, yes? So we have agreed that we can each have an exclusive licence for our own field of use. You, Lady Heterodyne will have exclusive rights to use it in applications involving _Sturzzeugs,_ aerodynes _,_ aerostats and other flying machines, the Baron will have exclusive use in applications involving offensive and defensive weaponry and King Tarvek will have exclusive use for applications involving clanks. The territory is limited to Europa, so the University can approach Queen Albia for a separate licence to exploit the Incredible Invention in Britain, or the Iron Sheikh to exploit it in Araby.”

“Oh, well, yes, I suppose so,” agreed Agatha grudgingly.

“You see, this means that the University can make maximum income from its intellectual property while each of us is free to have exclusive use for development of our own projects.”

“But what happens if I want to use the invention for something else?” asked Tarvek. “For instance, an application involving submersibles? Not that I have any interest in submersibles.”

“In that case, your Majesty, we each have a non-exclusive licence to use the Incredible Invention in other Fields of Use. The University has agreed not to grant an exclusive license for other fields of use within Europa to anyone else without prior written agreement from the three of us.”

“And if I want to use the Incredible Invention for an application involving clanks?” asked Gil.

“Then, Herr Baron, you would need to apply to King Tarvek for a sub-licence, to either use the tech that he has developed, or to develop applications of your own, with the payment of appropriate royalties to be agreed at the time of course.”

Agatha, Gil and Tarvek all looked at each other. “That sounds like a fair and reasonable deal,” said Agatha at last. Her secretary and Ms Pantagruel both breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“Just a moment,” said Tarvek. “What is the University getting in return?”

“Royalties, naturally,” Ms Pantagruel told him. “We will each give the University a fixed minimum fee every quarter, meet the cost of any patent protection, to be shared equally between the three of us, and then pay 10% of our net income on sales.”

“The other two wanted to ask for 10% of net profits,” added Artimo, “but of course that is a completely inequitable arrangement for the University, although Herr Dr Tzeek seemed unaware of this until I pointed it out in the interest of fairness.” Agatha’s Secretary and Ms Pantagruel both glared at the Muse and thought of mallets.

“That’s all settled then,” said Dr Tzeek happily. “All that remains is for our legal team to draw up a draft contract from these heads of terms and have them reviewed by your people. That should take, say three weeks. Then we can all meet back here again in say, two months, and we can sign the final agreement.”

“Why not after three weeks, once we’ve agreed the wording of the contract?” Agatha asked.

“Ah, I expect it will take two months to get all the ten signatures we need on the contracts approval form before I’m able to sign the actual contact itself. And of course, to save money we only employ one person in the legal department and she only works on Mondays and Fridays. There’s a bit of a backlog.”

“Hm, I might be able have a quiet word in the right place to speed that process up a bit,” remarked Gil.

“So, that’s all settled then,” declared Dr Tzeek.

“No, there’s just one more thing,” said Agatha. “We still haven’t seen the Incredible Invention.” She put the box she was carrying down on the table, almost reverently. Tarvek and Gil came to stand behind her. She looked at them both uncertainly.

“No, go ahead,” said Tarvek.

“You found it,” Gil told her. “You can have first go.”

With bated breath, Agatha opened the box. Finally, she held the incredible invention in her hands. She had been expecting the transparent steel to look like a piece of glass, but instead it was a sheet of metal with a regular array of completely transparent circular windows in it. Her first thought was the exceptional clarity. All normal transparent materials, no matter how good the quality of the optics, have some surface reflections and light loss due to the differences between refractive indices of the solid material and air. There was no sign of that here. This was impressive tech indeed. She looked through the different metal sheets. Each had different sized holes and was marked with a different percentage transparency.

“Ah I see what they have done,” she remarked. “They can make a patch of steel completely transparent and then they modulate how much light is transmitted by changing the relative amount of transparent to opaque material. But this clarity is really something. Are they doing it by shifting the phase of the metal atoms?” She moved a tentative finger towards one of the transparent areas of metal but suddenly found that her hand was immobilised as if by an iron grip. She felt that surge of mixed fear and excitement that all Sparks live for. What weird unknown phenomenon was stopping her hand approaching the Incredible Invention? Her mind was already constructing possible hypotheses and experiments to test them.

“Seriously?” scolded Violetta. “After all this time you’re still going to just stick your finger – the index finger of your right hand too – into some odd material you know nothing about?” With the air of a long-suffering but patient mother she released her iron grip on Agatha’s wrist and picked a pencil off the coffee table. “Here, try this.”

Agatha rolled her eyes at all the health and safety red tape but knew that when her smoke knight was in one of her ‘moods’ there was no point in arguing. She took the pencil and gently moved it towards the transparent metal, afraid she might blemish that impossible optically-perfect surface – and the pencil went right through. There was no resistance at all. Agatha waggled the pencil around the transparent window. She tried the other windows with the same result. She put the pencil down and tried her fingers – at least she heeded Violetta’s advice enough to use the little finger of her left hand. She could feel nothing at all in any of the transparent areas. She could put her finger right through the plate in any of them. She felt around edges of the metal where it had its normal solid appearance and felt the machined surfaces. Finally, the pfennig dropped. She turned to Mr Fecinec with an annoyed scowl.

“This is an ordinary metal plate with holes drilled in it, isn’t it? What have you done with the real invention?”

“That is the invention!” exclaimed Mr Fecinec. “It’s steel that you can see through. Transparent steel. What more do you want?”

“And that’s it?! Drilling holes in a sheet of metal?! _That’s_ your Incredible Invention?!”

“Hey, it took me ages to drill all those holes I’ll have you know. And I took a lot of trouble getting them all lined up just right and getting them just the right size so the hole to sheet ratio gave the required percentage light transmission. It’s an elegant solution that … GLURK!” He stopped in mid-sentence because Agatha had lifted him off the ground by his throat. It took Gil, Tarvek and Violetta to pull her off him.

“So Lady Heterodyne,” asked the Vice Chancellor uncertainly, “does this mean you don’t want to licence our intellectual property after all?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Agatha Heterodyne, Violetta, Moloch, Gil, Tarvek, Ms Pantagruel, Vielchen, Artimo and the Devil Dolls are the creations of Studio Foglio LLC_


End file.
